PUBLIC RESTROOMS

I share an "open" office with 9 people and sometimes a few interns. Our floor is shared with approximately 4-5 small businesses, with one - two stall restroom that we are forced to share. I have not been thrust into such an inhumane situation since I was in high school, when you are still too self conscience to use the public restroom; you know back when you would plug your nose and make faces at the slight scent of defecation.
Throughout the day I find myself counting the minutes each person is gone, if its more than 3 minutes I know to wait another 15. Lately I have had impecable timing, going in when no one else is around, partially due to timing my meals around everyone else's meals as well as stalking co-workers to the point of scrutinizing their meal plans. So I am in the clear right?
Digressing, I have been thinking that there was a ghost, a poop ghost if you will every time I have heard the faint "pheeess" sound. Yes the missing poop ghost of the girl that died in the building. No WRONG lately the building management decided to install an air freshener right above MY favorite stall...the one I like because it flushes on a consistent basis. The other less competent toilet needs to be held by the hand for 5 seconds for it to do its job. I like the competence of MY toilet, I have contemplated naming it, writing my name on the wall. I also contemplate writing mean things about the sluts down the hall that constantly look like their vaginas are drooping out of their Frankie B jeans, I bet they snort pink cocaine because the drip tastes like strawberries. So, I sit in my car and my friend says, "You smell like old lady scent." You know the same old lady that reads romance novels, the same old lady that puts on too much fuschia lipstick like it was still in style. I think nothing of it for weeks, but start noticing the slight scent on my clothing. I start sitting on the toilet relaxing, I find myself sitting on the toilet for minutes at a time, even when I don't need to poo. I start relaxing in here, its an anal cigarette if you will. But I find the fucking air freshener squirting its putrid perfume jizz all over my hair, my clothes my skin. I smell like old lady, I smell like cat lady death.